realism

If you really want to love me
well then do it.

Okkervil River - Maine Island Lovers [2003]


It is liberating to defy the norm and be my own.  I will not compete.  Nor will I make un-due efforts towards things that I don't trufully believe in.  I will wait my time and when my time comes, I Will Be There Smiling.

All these times where I have followed other people's opinions about what is best to do: was it best to do?  Or could I have found something truer to myself?  Could I have bided time, and waited and waited and waited, until I was drawn to an answer?  Could I have relished being slow, slow as I have always been in my life (since I was born), and been content at being so? 

If only I know the meaning of it does not matter back then, and back weeks ago, everything could have been so much more realistic.

Why must happy hearts break so hard? 

Leave you standing in the darkness of the barn

Staring at those rusty wheels

When will broken hearts learn how to heal? 

And everybody's searching for a place to put their love

see the people on the street think of home

and what do you think they dream of?

u-n-c-o-n-d-i-t-i-o-n-a-l--l-o-v-e -

Why did you leave me?

- Okkervil River - Happy Hearts [2002]

...................................................thinking of home................................................................

Musings #1

She'll never know I could never forget her,
If I could write her a letter, I'd try with every line
To say 'she still remembers your touch
and I know that it's not much
I know that it's not much
I know that it's not much
but you still haven't lost her.
You still haven't lo-o-o-o-o-o-o-ost her, 
you still haven't lo-o-o-o-o-o-o-ost her, 
you still haven't loooooooooooooooooooooooooooost her, 
not yet.....

- Okkervil River - Red

This is much a privatised continuation from here.  This whole blog is a continuation from that night's writings.  It is an expression of the dance that runs with my life.  It is the expression of how different moments afflict everything that is going on around me.  It is how, when you switch everything off: your phone, your email, your social networking, your stresses and worries and plans and future and past and present and everything that means or doesn't mean a thing to you, a developed sense of consciousness can wring your life of more and more tears.
It is an experiment in social realism, of allowing myself to realise how things work for me.  I have not been a part of the general stream of things for some years now, rather having forced a sense of 'independence' on myself for much of the last 5.
It is the expression of things for only the invisibles to see.


I have written about she for quite a while now, and may just do so a little bit here as well.  She has reminded myself about how things are for me, about my karma unspent, things still to go through.  She has let me know that I have a troubled future in getting through the karma unspent.  So much stuff to do, I am not superhuman even though I have profound and deep spiritual experiences.  I still feel emotionally broke when my emotions break, no matter what.  And now I am being torn apart by everything that is going on to the point that all possible forms of communication with the outside world have been ceased for a little while, with me now re-opening myself to the that guides me.  It is a moment like this that I realise that mantra, 'It all doesn't matter', that mantra that I said over and over in The Porter on that night, when I danced.
Suffrage from everything else going on.
It is this mantra that I crawl back to every. time. it. happens. in. future.
Every time.
I will go back to this mantra.
It All Does Not Matter.